2024-01-31 • day 9 • deluded
Today I had the fortune of being in places and situations that filled me with joy to witness, providing a different perspective to the current situation where I feel like an innocent person without a comfortable path to navigate. Without Laura, experiencing these places and situations becomes much more challenging because the people around me shape a reality that is very different.
Running errands, traversing the entire city to resolve a situation, leading an adult life in general—I enjoy it immensely, generating both pleasure and restlessness. However, without Laura, it feels a bit stranger to do these things. It’s odd to engage in activities without her, as I find myself thinking about her while doing them, pondering how the experience would be different if she were with me. For me, doing things you enjoy accompanied by the person you like is a double joy. It’s being where you want to be, plus having the company of the person you like—I have only admiration for such a situation.
If days like these became a part of my normalcy, I wouldn’t enjoy them as much without her. It’s likely that I wouldn’t get used to the idea that she’s not with me, and I would always be thinking about her in every moment (I’m exaggerating). It would be difficult to have the life I want without the person I want in it. However, I prefer having the life I want, even if she’s not there. At least my spirits rise a bit, and one of the two things I desire is fulfilled.
In this situation, my desire to find her and talk to her would increase even more. I would be devising more plans to see each other and talk, even if achieving it is impossible. My mind would be much more excited than it is now, simply due to the greed of having the things I want in my life.
Days like today are also a double-edged sword because they excite me, make me dream of the possibility that my desires could come true. Yet, at the same time, I recall that despite my attempts, what I’ve wanted hasn’t materialized. This brings a sense of discouragement and irremediable acceptance, triggering waves of sadness and disappointment.
This pattern seems to repeat in my life—trying and not succeeding, always being restrained. There’s always someone or something telling me that I can’t have what I want, and I end up with things that don’t interest me, often causing discomfort. These unwanted things become predominant in my life.
I haven’t been able to understand why this happens, why the things I like tend to drift away. There are very few things I genuinely like, and even fewer that remain in my life. Most of the time, I end up with things that don’t appeal to me, things I never asked for but are now present. I dislike having so much disorder in my life, especially when it comes from other people. It bothers me to see everything in disarray, dirty, and disorganized.
Similarly, the limited weekly outings are annoying. I wish to leave my house more, explore the incredible and, at the same time, the horrible world outside. I desire to live more experiences instead of staying locked in a room all the time. I wish to have my own money, not depending on someone else economically. This would allow me to buy the things I want when I want them. I also wish to meet more interesting people who could lead me to places I never imagined existed.
What makes it disconcerting to say all this is that it reflects the life I would have if Laura were in it. I am seeking to have the life I had with Laura but without her—quite sad but somehow enchanting, as at least I would have one of the two things I want most in life.
As I always say, these are mere desires without the strength of being realized. It’s nearly impossible to achieve the life I want on my own, without someone’s help. However, it’s even more improbable to talk to her again, considering our current situation. Even though we might see each other again in a few days, the chances of having a decent conversation are almost nil.
I don’t know what destiny holds for me, but I want days like today to happen more often. Even though I’m not with the love I have wanted for a long time, it’s still delightful to experience situations that remind me of her, making me wish she were there with me in every one of them.
Few times in life can one have such feelings toward a person. Some call it obsession, others intensity. I like to call it love because that’s the only thing I feel, felt, and will feel for her. I hope life rewards me someday, and I can obtain all the things I desire in my life.
Today, I was happy because life gave me at least a taste of what I want. I had the opportunity to be enchanted by a situation, even though she wasn’t there. I had a pleasant time, even though I wished she was with me. I hope it happens again because being sad and discouraged is no longer for me.
In conclusion, life without those moments that stir so many longings, desires, and above all, hope, is not life. It’s challenging to live life without dreaming, without seeking ways to fulfill our desires. Even if things get tough, we are always stubbornly trying until we succeed. That’s what I’ll do—find a way to be with her until it happens, find a way to reverse this incredible situation that consumes me at times.