2024-01-30 • day 8 • balance
Today was one of those days when several things you like come to fruition. I enjoy living this adult life, wandering around the city, observing the psychology of the community in which I live. Even if I don’t always like it, new experiences are gained that reinforce my preferences and dislikes. Besides that, I received news that fueled the excitement and hope I have always held in my heart.
I might see her, we might talk, life might bring us back together, showing me how close she is, despite the physical distance saying otherwise. She’s always in my memory, always present, and at some point in my story, life brings her back to me.
I want to see her and talk, even days before this news. I’ve dreamt of something like this, but I don’t want to bother her. I don’t want her to see me and be reminded of uncomfortable situations. I don’t want her to have a bad experience this time she visits my hometown.
Contrary to all that, I want her to be happy, to have a joyful carnival. That’s why I feel it’s best not to seek her out, not to go see her, even though she’s so close. Even though I’m dying to, I prefer not to disturb her and let everything happen without her thinking of me.
You might be wondering why seeing her would mean she’s not okay. The answer is easy to deduce. Every time I’ve tried to solidify things with her, I’ve ended up hurting her. I get carried away by the injustice of the situation, the immense love I have for her, the fear of saying something wrong, the anxiety for everything to be resolved, and a bit of the discomfort she feels. All of that affects me, and I end up not doing things in the best way, falling into the same cycle I’ve always been with her.
I’m tired of that. I want to try doing things differently, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I don’t know if I can do it, especially because I don’t like approaching people and solving these kinds of problems. It makes me uncomfortable. But for her, I’m willing to try. The problem is, I’m not good at it, and it might end up worse, considering the negative tolerance she currently has towards me is -100. I don’t think she wants to see me at all.
It won’t be this time, but in a few months, when life makes our bodies coincide in the same place again, maybe we’ll be able to talk. I’ll be patient and wait for as long as it takes. I’ll always stay in touch with Laura through this medium; she’ll always be present because, as life has shown me, she’s like December to January—so close yet so far away.
Today, I accept more that she’s not with me. I’m much calmer with that thought now. The idea that she’s gone is starting to fit into my life. The routine of days consumes it and normalizes it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still feel it and remember it. It hurts a lot that something like this happened.
But there are days like today that give me the strength not to sink into that thought. They encourage me and show me how beautiful it is to live loving her from a distance, having her present in many of the activities I do with her. Even though we don’t literally share them, it feels as if she’s right beside me.
Today, I also realize that I need to improve in several things I neglected. I’ve ignored my physical health, and not exercising is already taking its toll. My body hurts more and more while doing basic activities like climbing stairs. I also spend too much time sitting, which is detrimental to my physical condition.
I would like to start exercising again, go through the process of getting a license, have my own money, so these things don’t depend on my mom. Because of money, I can’t choose the places I would like, and I have to accept what she wants. And I wish that was the worst part of it because I also have to endure pointless questions. She’ll end up choosing what she thinks is best for me and her.
It’s hard to put up with these things, to listen to their conversations, to be with them and not get irritated, to have the desire to stay because they don’t provide a place I’d like to be. It’s something like the situation with Laura, but without the possibility of leaving as she did. I am obligated to stay and pretend that I’m enjoying it.
I’m not the happiest, but I’m not as sad and annoyed as in previous days. My mood has improved a bit, and it’s more normal to live loving her in silence. It becomes beautiful due to the loneliness it brings. The freedom it provides is truly wonderful.
I enjoy being alone and living my life on my terms and decisions. I like cooking, going to the gym, establishing habits in my daily life, and living peacefully with myself. The beauty of what solitude can offer should be appreciated more when you have it.
One of the biggest problems of being alone is the monotony of your days. Your days don’t have much difference; you almost always do the same things, just changing the order. Sometimes I need to do something different in the day, go somewhere with someone, do a different, entertaining, and fun activity. I miss the variability that comes from being with someone.
But like everything in my life, I endure, accept, and move forward, desiring it but not getting it. Unfortunately, that’s how things are, but I’ve managed to live quite well that way.
I hope none of you have to endure something like this, and if it happens to you, know that, no matter how alone you may feel and that everything will stay the same, at some point, it changes. Those things you longed for eventually come, and sooner or later, everything gets better, and life becomes worth living again.