2024-01-29 • day 7 • melancholic
A man of approximately 70 years old is reading the newspaper of the day in the Plaza de Bolívar. In the distance, a crowd of people can be seen, desperate to obtain something that, from this point, cannot be discerned. It might be money or some advice, although, as the old man narrates, nobody cares about that anymore, even though everyone seems to be experiencing it.
Contrary to the words the old man was professing, the crowd was so desperate because they wanted an opportunity to open their hearts and find in the listening of a 22-year-old the peace and advice that no one else has been able to provide.
The revelatory news stirred his thoughts because, in his mind, such behaviors were no longer prevalent. He remembered people moving from experience to experience without measuring or reflecting on what had been done. For him, it was crazy to see a 22-year-old giving advice to people who really needed it.
It had been more than 15 years since his ex-wife left him alone at home, and he needed to talk to someone who would truly listen so that he could finally release the burdens he had carried for so long. Despite appearances, his heart did not belong to him, and he simply lived for the sake of living, without any other compelling reason.
He approached the sweaty and mixed crowd and waited in line, hopeful that someone with a willingness to talk to him would understand him. He wanted someone who could comprehend him and change the dynamics a bit so that he wouldn’t always be like that 22-year-old who never stopped listening and helping people.
His turn came, and it was time to explain his situation to the young man who seemed to solve people’s lives with the happy gestures he displayed when talking. However, with him, there was something different; his face and words did not exude happiness or any enthusiasm for a change. It seemed like he wanted to be in that situation, still loving someone who had been absent from his life for a long time. What he sought that day was someone who could understand him and shift the roles a bit so that he wouldn’t always be the one listening but rarely the one speaking.
In this story, I identify a lot with the 70-year-old man, as I have always been the person who knows how to listen and give good advice, making the moment of sharing thoughts bearable and even pleasurable. But today, I realized that I am always the listener and rarely the one who speaks. When I do speak, I feel misunderstood.
I listened and advised my cousins through their challenging situations, as they had made serious mistakes and had traumas that prevented them from moving forward—problems that many of us face and can “easily” solve. After the conversation, they stood up and thanked me for the help I had provided.
When the roles are reversed, I feel misunderstood because what I feel for Laura is not a normal feeling and even less easy to understand. The situation might be a bit more common, as it is a guy begging a girl to come back who just wants to leave him behind. However, we are both very unusual and strange people, adding our touch to the situation and complicating it much more than it should be.
Apart from that, many don’t know how they would handle that situation or what I’ve been through with her to reach this point. Everything we’ve gone through has conditioned us to be where we are, and if you don’t take into account the feelings, the story, the context, and the desires of each person, it’s very difficult for them to be with me and give me good advice.
So far, I haven’t found anyone other than Laura who understands the feelings I have and the situation I am going through, who empathizes a bit with the pain I feel. No one else has been able to provide me with a bit of help like she has, a great example of the beautiful person she is.
With other people, I have trouble telling them what I’m going through, making them understand what I feel. Nothing is easy at the moment, especially because these are not common things. For example, it’s not normal to love someone without seeing them or at least having some kind of contact with them, much less after so much time has passed since their departure.
It’s strange that they understand, and they judge me for still being in that situation. They consider it wrong to still want her in silence, and for them, it’s just a whim and an obsession. Until I decide to let her go, they believe my life won’t change.
And so, many times I’ve tried to explain my situation with her, they end up judging me and arguing with me over ideas that seem very common and healthy to me.
The most challenging part of not being understood is that you are alone in all of this. You’re alone against the millions of contradictory thoughts out there. It’s also difficult because they make you doubt if what you want is really right and what you want, and many times they make me fall into a state of denial.
Fortunately, there’s always a reason, a rationale, which tells me that what others say or think doesn’t matter. Only what I feel, what I think, matters because they are not, and will not be, part of my relationship with Laura.
Today there was a very beautiful reason; I dreamt that I had already fixed things with her, and everything was so beautiful and wonderful. I felt so peaceful and happy that I didn’t want to wake up from that place. It was a wonderful dream.
Hopefully, someday, something similar will become a reality. Hopefully, life will give me the chance to talk again, and with no desperation but a lot of enthusiasm, I am waiting for her, regardless of what others say. I simply love her with all the strength I can muster.