2024-01-27 • day 5 • excited
I spent the whole day trying to find a logical answer, but it’s impossible to know for sure at the moment. Nevertheless, I’ve come up with several hypotheses. I think it’s easy to confuse the attention, care, protection, and love I give to Laura with behaviors and attitudes of a person with anxious attachment issues. In both situations, emotions are infused with a lot of intensity, or at least that’s how it feels to me.
When I love someone, I love deeply, especially when it’s someone like Laura. I pay close attention to any discomfort she might have, but always give her the freedom to try to solve the problem on her own first. If my presence becomes necessary, I’m there for her.
Describing it this way makes it sound like something everyone would want to experience at some point. However, there are moments in everyone’s life when such attitudes seem toxic and intense, leading to misinterpretations that shape a misguided perception of someone.
I wish things had been different, and I wish I didn’t identify so much with the words I write. But it’s literally my story, it’s literally what happened with her. Maybe it’s my fault, or maybe it’s hers, or maybe it’s both. Regardless, it’s uncomfortable that things turned out this way, and it’s sad to know that due to a thought and a mistake made at the most inopportune moment, you might be missing out on what could have been your dream life.
Life with her and without her is undoubtedly two very different things, especially with these constant downs in the day from flashbacks of moments lived with Laura, making the day much heavier to bear. Despite that, I try to keep a smile and do things in my life to avoid spending the whole day in bed searching for explanations that will never come.
I don’t want to spend my whole life behind this screen; I hope that at some point, she realizes that all I do is love her at levels that very few people in the times we live in are willing to endure. But I’m not afraid to keep giving. I’ll wait for her with the same love I’ve always given her, with the same enthusiasm, because I don’t want more; I just want her by my side.
The second hypothesis I have is that it can be frightening, overwhelming, that someone gives you the love that I am currently giving her, especially with the history we’ve had. It must not be easy to trust me and believe what you see. I assume she thinks I’ll be like this for a few days or maybe weeks, but sooner or later I’ll end up treating her in a way that she once didn’t like.
If that is true, it’s very sad that the fear she has prevents her from having a happier life, and things are unfolding in this way, progressively getting worse. Today, she unfollowed me on TikTok, isolating me more from her life.
I don’t want to be away from her anymore. I don’t want to be unable to talk to her anymore. I’m tired of it, but I can’t do anything to change it. I have to endure it, no matter how much it hurts and how much I want to change it. I have to stay here because I prefer this pain over erasing her from my life and memory. I prefer to have the hope that at some point, we can talk, rather than leaving through the back door with my tail between my legs because even though there are more and more reasons to throw everything in the trash, there is always one reason that makes me stay and want more.
I don’t doubt that it will be impossible, I don’t doubt that it will be the most complicated thing I do in my life, but I know it will be worth every attempt I make. This teaches me to face really difficult problems, to not give up even when the situation is upside down, to renew what seems totally lost.
She has given me many lessons throughout this time, indirectly and surprisingly, she made my way of being change radically. Which, if you think about it, is quite amazing because we never spoke, she never told me what I had to do or how I had to do it to change. She was never with me supporting me or anything, yet I managed to change because she did something and didn’t need words to do it—motivating me.
Thinking about her every day gave me a lot of motivation, it gave me that breath of hope I needed every day to not be sunk in the sheets. Thanks to her, I made an effort to put on a smile and move things forward despite any difficulties.
I am so grateful to her because she gave me the opportunity to overcome my traumas and problems from my childhood. Thanks to her, I was able to overcome those fears, face those difficulties, and become a little better. All because she came into my life and did the wonders she did when she was with me.
I thank her for all the shared moments, absolutely all of them, no matter how much anxiety or happiness they produced. All the moments with her were a privilege and made me think about many things that I still remember today.
I don’t ask much of life, I just want it to give me the chance to talk to that person I love in inexplicable amounts. I want to share both bad and good moments with her. I want to have a life holding her hand and not having to let go until we die. I love her.