2024-01-26 • day 4 • emotional
We find ourselves in a bubble called society, where we have the obligation to interact with others; therefore, there will always be psychological or physical dependence on another person. This dependence can reach such prominent levels that it can completely alter your behavior with your surroundings depending on whether that person is part of your daily life or not.
Laura, for me, is that person who completely changes the way I relate to the material world. In general, a day without her is like this: I wake up when my body decides (I can wake up at 3:00 or 9:00), depending on the accumulated fatigue. Then, I have breakfast with the first thing that comes to mind and I find in the fridge, usually bananas in various forms with some protein that appeals to me. After that, I watch videos until I get tired and start programming for so long that when I want to check the time, it’s already lunchtime. Lunch, prepared by my mother, follows the video-watching and programming routine until dinner, marking the end of the day. The only interesting thing to share at the end of the day is that I spent the entire day sitting in a chair programming.
But life with Laura is very different because now I have a schedule. I wake up and go to bed within a specific range of hours. My attitude towards my routine activities is different; I do personal and household chores more often, cook much more elaborate and ingenious meals, and actively seek activities to enjoy and share with her to have more interesting things to share at the end of the day. I have a strong dependence on her; she makes my attitudes towards life very different.
The way I treat my parents would change completely. I would become a person who talks more about my issues, communicates my ideas more, and makes a change in my family. I would seek to fix every problem, look for more people to talk to and spend good times with, dedicate myself more to finding a job, and have more enthusiasm for the small things I do during the day.
My demeanor changes a lot when she is around compared to when she is not because when she’s not there, I am much more reserved and I think it can even be harmful. It’s not healthy to hide my problems, not communicate what I think, have a disordered body and surroundings, spend 14 hours a day programming to suppress a feeling, sleep an average of 4 hours due to nightmares, maintain frustration for desires I can’t fulfill, eat the same thing all the time, and not want to improve.
On my own, I am not able to change it. Many may see it as something bad, view me as a person who needs others to be better, and at first glance, that’s what it seems. However, I can tell you that I can live and be better without Laura, but the issue is that Laura triggers things that I cannot trigger on my own. For example, when we give a kiss, we need another person to experience it because otherwise, we won’t be able to feel those sensations. Similarly, I feel the same way with Laura; I need her to change many things in my life.
Now, the question that may come to your mind is why do I need her? Can’t I find the motivation on my own? I can’t find it on my own. Laura has everything I would like in this life: the legacy I like, the tolerance for disorder that I have, the happiness and love that captivate me, the maturity I need, and the care I must have. I can’t achieve these things on my own because where I am, I am not like that, and none of those around me have everything she has.
That’s why I love her so much in my life; she gives me absolutely everything I seek. Could I look for someone else who would give me something better? Probably, and I might find it, but why look for something else when she exists? Why go through the arduous task of trying to find someone like her again? I prefer to stay and try to fix things, even though they are getting worse every day. I prefer to be here, clinging to the love I have for her, until the day we can talk again.
My love for her will always be intact, regardless of how she treats me. I will always love her with the same intensity because it’s not about how she treats me; it’s about who she is. I love her essence, her way of being with people and herself, her life and the environment around her, her flaws, her normality, her emotions, her traumas—I love everything about her, not just how she treats me.
I can’t base my love on her treatment because it’s not good. She constantly rejects me, always tells me to leave her alone, that all I do is hurt and annoy her, that I am a toxic and intense person. For her, I am the worst, and that’s how she treats me. But I have tried to make her see that I am not like that; I have succeeded at times, but she always falls back into the same thoughts. If it were for the way she treats me, I would have forgotten about her a long time ago.
I truly love her so much that I can tolerate all those abhorrent and hurtful words towards me. I can accept that she doesn’t want to share her life with me, endure her bad moods, inconsistencies, and confusion, tolerate her flaws, endure that she doesn’t love me, and have a peaceful life despite all that, simply because I love her, with all the meaning of the word.
A piece of advice for your lives: love like crazy, fall in love, and give everything for the other person, regardless of how they treat you. Love with madness and great passion. Kisses.