2024-02-28 • day 37 • overwhelmed
Every passing day, I feel worse about myself. Every passing day, I feel more disarmed, as if I’m no longer capable of having the life I had before. I feel incapable of doing things right again, of being okay again, of being happy again. I feel like happiness has departed from my life; time has stolen it, and I haven’t known how or haven’t wanted to fight to keep it.
My days are becoming increasingly difficult. I’m doing fewer things, losing motivation, becoming more irritable, more disappointed in myself, and sadder. Many times, I feel like I can’t go on, like I don’t want more of this life, but I don’t know what to do to change it.
I infinitely desire to talk to Laura, but I’m afraid. I’m terrified of making things worse, which is why I didn’t write to her when she was here, why I’ve waited so long to speak to her. I’m very afraid, and I don’t feel ready to do it. I don’t know if tomorrow, when I wake up, I’ll be able to say everything that’s on my mind because I don’t know if the things I think will come out of my mouth as I dream them.
In past occasions, I haven’t been able to speak to her properly and tell her what I truly feel. I’ve simply opposed her, arguing over things that don’t make sense, having discussions that don’t align with what I want for her and for her life. Unfortunately, those mistakes come with a heavy price.
She’s so annoyed, so upset, so tense with me that I feel like another conversation would only result in her calling the police for harassment (joking). Truly, this situation is very difficult, although the problem itself isn’t hard. It’s just that I’ve damaged it greatly by pursuing her and not knowing how to fix things.
That thought also puts me in a state of extreme sadness and demotivation because I don’t like how things have turned out. Besides, I don’t like failing and doing things wrong because I know how to do them right. I know what I have to do, but in practice, I don’t do them; in practice, I make other mistakes and do other things I haven’t thought about. That disappoints me, and it’s something I aim to change in the short term.
If today had been the day to talk to Laura, I wouldn’t have been able to do it because I’m still making mistakes, which I said weeks ago that I wouldn’t continue making. I haven’t corrected many things I said I would correct. Sometimes I feel like it’s because of the lack of companionship, the little help I have. I feel like I don’t change those things because I need someone in my life (Laura) to change them. Without that companionship, without that person, I feel like it’s very difficult to do it.
That’s one of the hundreds of reasons why I want to fix things with her. Another reason why I want to fix things with her is to be happy; and I’m not just talking about myself; I’m talking about both of us being happy, marveling at the world together. I have immense love to give her, immense care and protection to offer her. In the relationship we have, I don’t want to be the only one benefiting; on the contrary, I’d love for her to have more benefits than me, to offer her too many things she can enjoy.
I almost always feel like nobody believes what I say, and many times, I even question myself about what I’m saying. Many times, I think this isn’t real, and I don’t believe it. On many occasions, I think it’s all lies and that what I really feel is a desire to be okay myself without thinking about her.
I think all of that because my actions demonstrate it. Unfortunately, as I was saying, sometimes I don’t tell her what I feel, and I start arguing and asking her to come back, showing only a lack and a desperate need to be with her, as if something vital were missing, which isn’t true. I don’t need her for anything; perhaps she makes me happier and therefore makes me want to live and do things I wouldn’t normally do alone, but it’s not the main reason I seek her out; it’s just one of the reasons.
My primary desire is to enjoy together everything we both have to offer each other because every time I’m with her, I realize that together we can be very happy. We can have a friendship, a romantic relationship, any kind of relationship, and it would be extremely good because of the connection and chemistry we have when we talk, when we look at each other, because of the love I have for her and the love she can give me. Honestly, our personalities are too compatible.
Without fail, every time we meet again, I feel it more. Every time we manage to be together, I feel that connection, that chemistry between us. I feel it from the hundreds of glances we exchange every time we’re together, I feel it because even though she’s upset with me, we’re always together, I feel it because when she talks to me, everything is more than perfect.
Literally, my life changes completely every time she’s okay with me. Every time she puts aside her annoyance with me, everything becomes more beautiful. And that’s a sensation I’ve never felt with anyone else and that I want to share with her. And I doubt I’ll find it with anyone else, but even so, I prefer Laura over anyone else (even if she doesn’t want it that way).
I may wish excessively to regain that feeling, but unfortunately, none of that will come true simply because she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want to be okay with me; she doesn’t want to be with me. She prefers to be like this with me, despite the tremendous benefit she would have by being okay with me.
That’s what really upsets me, that a problem separates me from being happy, that it’s a “I don’t want to” without reasons, without excuses, that it’s just a simple “I don’t want,” which unfortunately harms my entire life in every possible way.
Tomorrow, I will talk to her and try to ask her to please forget all this situation and gradually forget the problem, so we can be okay together.