2024-02-27 • day 36 • afligido
I messed up, and I keep doing it constantly throughout my day. I let myself be manipulated by the cravings my body produces, unable to control my desires and do the things I should. Consequently, I constantly find myself succumbing to them, resulting in continuously making mistakes that hinder my progress.
Throughout life, I’ve constantly made mistakes, always faltering, always getting things wrong. Consequently, everything I haven’t achieved has been entirely my fault. Sadly, I’ve always sabotaged my life, preventing myself from achieving anything. It’s disheartening to constantly ruin everything, and in the end, just when I’m about to succeed, that’s the most painful part.
When I was with Laura, I made many mistakes that made her feel the urge to leave. Even now, when I try to reconnect with her, I keep making mistakes and messing up. Despite her occasionally giving me the opportunity to start anew, I always end up ruining everything. Unfortunately, I’ve messed up so much and done everything wrong for so long that I believe it’s impossible for her to give me another chance. Perhaps that’s why she’s so annoyed.
I wish it weren’t true, but when I was with Ariadna, I was also the one who decided to leave. I was the one who ended up ruining everything. When I was with Adriana, it was also my fault for staying in that place and allowing everything that happened there. Just like in my other relationships, I’ve always made the same mistakes, repeated the same behaviors, and therefore always ended up in similar situations, if not identical ones.
It’s not just in relationships that I make mistakes; lately, I’ve been making the mistake of being too impulsive with my sexuality. I lose focus frequently and can’t concentrate on what truly matters to me, always using the excuse that I need to enjoy life because it’s short and I need to be happy. I tell myself that I’ll do what I’m supposed to do later anyway, so everything’s fine.
The problem is I don’t want to make mistakes. I don’t want to hurt myself, I don’t want things to go wrong, I don’t want to make mistakes when I can avoid them. It doesn’t sit well with me to know that I messed up and could’ve prevented it. In other words, I could’ve chosen not to make a mistake, but I chose to do so. That’s a regret weighing heavily on my conscience.
I can’t stand living life this way; I don’t want to continue being like this. I want to control all these mistakes I’m making and rectify them so I won’t keep messing up. I need to change my life and focus on things that truly matter and will benefit me in the future. It’s a time when I need to be well and do things right, even if the world and life tell you it’s okay to be wrong sometimes and there’s time for it.
But I have to be careful because I don’t want to become obsessed. I don’t want to go to the other extreme and make the mistake of spending all day locked in front of the computer again. I want to have the necessary balance in my life; I need to give my life the balance it needs. I need Laura to accompany me to make all this much easier.
Life would truly be easier if she were in my life. It’s very difficult to be without her because she stirs up many feelings in me that I alone can’t replicate. Life with her is definitely much more beautiful. Hopefully, in the future, we’ll manage to see each other and solve that problem, leave it in the past if possible, and move forward. Although it’s quite complicated due to time and the mistakes I’ve made in the past.
Probably, February 29th will be the day I decide to talk to her. That day has to be the day we fix things, and I’m going to try it in a very different way than I’ve always tried before. I’m going to say things I haven’t told her, I’m going to show more interest in her, and not fight against her so much. I really want to fix the problem, and I won’t give up until I succeed, no matter how many mistakes I make, I’ll always keep trying and looking for a solution.
All this is hard for me; I’m not a good person, or at least not the type of person who can do these things so easily. I sometimes put too much pressure on myself, which causes insecurities and fears that completely control my actions. I get so nervous that I start doing stupid things or laughing as if everything is fine. I’m not the right person to do this, but I prefer to try than to regret not being with her.
I’m very excited about spending a life by her side, as friends, acquaintances, or as partners. I really want her not to be mad at me anymore and that we can talk (even if it’s just once a month). I definitely want to be with her for more reasons than the world tells me not to. I’ll stubbornly keep insisting, keep looking for a way. I just hope not to bother too much; I just hope to do things right and not end up damaging this situation even more than it already is.
I have to stop making these mistakes because I don’t want to enter her life making mistakes and ruining things. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m incapable of handling a situation because I can’t control my impulses. I know I’m good at managing my desires; I know I can do it, but I simply don’t want to and let myself be carried away.
I don’t want to control my desires because I’ve spent a long time restraining myself, and I think that if I let myself go with the flow of life and what I feel, I’ll be much calmer, much more relaxed. But that doesn’t necessarily have to be the case because giving in to impulses (at least in my case) leads to regret, disappointment, and immense annoyance at doing things I know I shouldn’t. And yet, I still do them.
Although I don’t make many mistakes, I do make the same mistakes repeatedly. I always learn from my mistakes, always analyze and think about how to solve them, and often I find a solution. But in practice, it’s impossible to stick to the theory. When it comes time to execute it, I become someone else and make those mistakes that I would never knowingly make. Unfortunately, I’ve made many, many unforgivable mistakes.