2024-01-25 • day 3 • thoughtful
Waking up despite the fall, fighting for your dreams and trying until you succeed is what has always been heard from the common public. For decades, society has embraced the mindset of pushing ourselves to the limit to achieve success. However, today I had a revolutionary thought. It’s about trying, making an effort, until you succeed, or until your body and mind are satisfied with the effort you’ve put in, without the need to push it to such an extreme point that it becomes toxic and harmful. When you strive so hard for things and don’t achieve them, there’s a sense of discouragement for not having succeeded. In my case, that’s what happened.
Today, I remembered how many times I’ve tried with Laura, how many times I’ve pushed myself to the limit in that situation and never end up getting what I desire. Despite having it at times, all I’ve managed to do is push her further away from me, to the point where she now sees me as a toxic and intense person because of the countless times I asked to talk again, believing in a promising future for both of us.
In my mind, life with her is filled with beautiful things. In the moments she has given me, I’ve experienced a surge in potential and a desire to engage in countless activities that increase our happiness and, above all, our comfort in this life. She has a virtuous effect on me, increasing my energy by 200%, unlike what it is today.
Although I have “good” days like today, where I was filled with excitement expressed through jumps, smiles, and spontaneous shouts like bursts of wind, where each completed activity gave me shots of adrenaline and a whirlwind of smiles, it’s very frustrating that she’s no longer with me. I didn’t want to bother her to the extent that she left. I want to try again, go back to the past to do things differently and fix it because I can’t bear days of longing for her to see me as a tender person. I don’t want to continue loving her in silence, hiding my feelings behind a screen. I don’t want to inhibit myself from the beauty of the world because I can’t try. I don’t want things to unfold as they are. I want a change, but it’s difficult to achieve.
In the current moment, it’s challenging to move and try something different. I have very few things I have the freedom to do. During the day, all I have is to continue programming, cooking, consuming video or book content, or occasionally doing some exercise. I can’t break out of that bubble unless there’s a strong reason and happiness, like the one she brings when she’s with me.
Changing what I have right now is difficult on my own. I don’t have the capacity or control to change everything I don’t like to something I desire. I’ve tried it before, and it always ends abruptly in nothing.
In the past, I had several people who became quite special. I shared good moments with many of them, but for some reason, when everything seemed normal, an imposing mountain appeared on the path and broke any connection between us. Sometimes the breakups were more abrupt, sometimes predictable, and others, like with Laura, I couldn’t foresee. But they all contributed to the pain I feel today.
Unfortunately, I have to carry that weight every day, from every attempt, every mistake made, because clearly, I must have done something wrong for those people to leave my life. No one leaves if they feel comfortable. I don’t know what I have to push everyone away. Today, I am completely alone, locked in my room in front of a computer most of the time. The care for my space and body is something that has been lost, and I can’t find the motivation to do these actions. I don’t see the point.
And so, I spend my days trying to survive this strong pain in my heart, trying to overcome the frustration that, although I succeed at times, it always falls again, feeling like a roller coaster of emotions. I hope someday all this ends, although I’m starting to get used to it and am curious about how much I can endure with this feeling.
I hope it’s not for too long, and someday she allows me to talk. For now, I will continue to spend my days as I have since she left for the second time. I will focus on controlling what is in my hands, achieving what I can achieve, which in this case is nothing more and nothing less than programming. In that world, there are countless topics to explore. I get tired of counting them before I get tired of learning them.
Eventually, I will try to change the care I give to my body and my surroundings. For now, I feel somewhat comfortable as I am going. Also, I won’t stop thinking and loving Laura because, despite the many times she didn’t treat me well and confused me, I know she is an incredibly beautiful person to others. She has a heart full of love and happiness to give—charismatic, kind, respectful, responsible, pleasant, friendly, loving, and caring.
In conclusion, never stop trying, but don’t die trying. Fight for what you want, with calmness, up to the point where your body allows and your mind feels comfortable. Someday, what you desire will come, someday I will be able to talk to Laura, and everything will change as I dreamed.
Trust yourselves and have hope and the illusion that there is always time for a new attempt and to do things differently. There is always time to seek what makes you happy.