2024-02-13 • day 22 • depressed
I find myself shattered, with no desire to eat, no desire to speak. Throughout the day, I’ve been challenging my mind to leave this bed and not spend the entire day in it, but unfortunately, I couldn’t convince it. Much to my regret, the pain I feel overwhelmed me, and I couldn’t get up from there all day.
I’ve been shattered and disheartened all day because you left my life without resolving anything. You left my life with the same uncertainties I had before. Nothing changed for the better. The only thing that happened was that you became more annoyed with me, blocking me from the last social network you hadn’t blocked me from, and perhaps even from your phone number, to avoid any contact with me.
I feel shattered because the situation brought us to this point that I don’t desire. I’m in this state because I love you, and to my heart, it’s impossible for someone like you and someone like me not to be together, not to be able to speak, and to treat each other in such a despicable manner, as if we were strangers after a car accident.
I regret having written to Laura those first times. I wasn’t aware of the damage I was causing to her life and, at the same time, to mine. Because even though I don’t know the whole story, I suppose those weren’t easy moments, given that the annoyance she has with me is not easy to acquire.
Truly, Laura has a lot of annoyance towards me. It’s impressive how I can’t talk to her, can’t touch her, can’t look at her, can’t do absolutely anything with her. The contact must be less than 0. I’m marked with a giant red cross that’s very difficult to erase.
And I keep repeating that what is most impressive is how small the problem really is. In essence, it’s nothing. But there has been so much insistence, so much time begging her to leave this behind that many times I didn’t do it quite right, and the annoyance kept growing more and more. Slowly, to Laura Camila, I became an enemy or even worse, I was nobody in her life.
The annoyance of not being able to fix it, the desire to change it, the irritation of not being able to try it in a better way, the love I have for her, the inability to achieve it, and the other problems in life make it so that today I don’t have the strength to get out of bed and try to distract myself with TikTok videos and Instagram reels.
It’s very difficult to spend days like today, where there’s no desire for absolutely anything, not even to cry, because I’ve cried so much that I don’t even want to do that anymore. The situation is so ugly that I could just stare at a fixed point without thinking about anything at all. I don’t feel anything anymore, or rather, I don’t want to feel anything. I just want time to pass, to see if it can do more than what I couldn’t do.
I feel that emptiness because I have no control to fix things, no way to solve the problem. Everything I’ve done, I’ve done it one way, but there it is, and that has caused the annoyance to grow. And now that I know how to do it and I think it will turn out quite well, I can’t try it, and I’ll just have to live with the desire.
Let me explain how I feel with a metaphor. I feel like at some point in your life, you buy the car of your dreams, that car you wanted for a long time. But there comes a moment when it breaks down, and you can’t use it anymore. The more you try to fix it, the more you end up damaging it, until it’s definitely too broken. But at that moment, you find the solution to end all the problems that arose, with the consequence that if you try, it probably won’t work anymore.
Besides, you don’t have the ability to know if the fix you found really works or not because it could go wrong or it could go very well, and you could have back that car you always dreamed of and thus be as happy as you’ve ever been. You’ll have again what you fought for and wanted so much, back with you, back in your hands.
That feeling that many will feel with a car, a motorcycle, their mom, their brother, their cousin, their pet, etc., is what I feel with Laura. That damn feeling is what has tormented my mind every day and at the same time has motivated me to find a solution to everything that’s happening.
Many will think, why don’t you look for another car, or another motorcycle? And the problem is that this is the one I want, this is the one I love, this is the one that makes me happy. This is the one I feel, and it’s here in my heart, and nothing can be done about it. There’s no one who can tell you what to desire. That’s up to each person’s taste, and unfortunately or fortunately, Laura has what I’m looking for and want.
I doubt that tomorrow, on February 14th, we’ll talk again. I doubt something like that will happen because I don’t feel ready to talk to her and try again. I have the solution, but I don’t know if it’s the right one. Maybe I’m filled with anger, annoyance, impotence, and other bad feelings that won’t let me do things correctly.
Whatever the case, I’m going to give myself some time not to talk to her and not to think too much about her, to try to be okay myself. Tomorrow will also be a difficult day, and maybe I won’t be myself again for three days. Maybe it will take much longer for me to have a smile on my face. But when I have it and feel ready to talk to her and look for her, rest assured that I will write to Laura without fail.
Because what that woman makes me feel is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful things in this world. It’s something unique, a feeling completely personalized, something that very few people can feel and achieve, but I hope many can take advantage of it.