2024-02-12 • day 21 • thoughtful
Certainly, when someone is so upset, there is no external or internal force that can change that feeling. Laura is too upset with me, and although she had moments where she behaved decently with me, the rest of the time she was quite indifferent towards me and had a very aggressive attitude, as if I had done something very wrong to her at some point in her life that had caused her trauma and she could no longer let me into her life.
It’s a feeling of overwhelming sadness to see her looking at me so badly, it’s a feeling of displeasure for her to give me a dirty look for no apparent reason, it’s too much trouble that just because she’s upset, things can’t be right between us and, therefore, neither she nor I are okay when we’re together.
It’s crazy the way she treats me, because today my mom, my brother, and my dad accompanied us to the carnival, since they closed the bakery they have, so, as soon as we arrived without greeting her, without saying anything to her, we were just walking towards the bleachers (the place where we sit) and at one point she looks back and sees me and gives me a look, as if it were the worst thing in the world that I was in that place.
It was crazy, unpleasant, annoying, in short, one of those situations where it’s best to ignore and not pay attention, because it doesn’t make sense, nor logic, and much less reason for her to have done that at that moment, without me doing anything, just walking. I was close to her, but normal, I wasn’t invading her, I wasn’t disturbing her space, I was just walking behind her and then she gives me that dirty look.
During the parade, she also behaved quite badly with me, as she was in front of me and for me to pass, she needed to move a bit and somehow I had to let her know that I was going to pass because otherwise how would she know that I was going to pass through there, so it’s very normal for me to touch her to let her know that I’m going to pass through that place. The first time I touched her and did it, she didn’t say anything, nothing happened, but the second time, when I touched her to let her know that I was going to get up and she had to move to the side, she said to me: “stop touching me” and I in my mind: “but what am I doing wrong?”, “why so much aggression?“.
In the end, I didn’t say anything and I was left wanting to because I really don’t want to argue with her and have those kinds of conversations, if she’s upset with me and wants to treat me badly like that, she’s the one who will do it, because anyway it doesn’t matter if she does, obviously I prefer her not to, but what I mean is that that won’t make me love her less or value her less.
Those attitudes won’t make me love her much more either, but I understand to some extent why she ends up doing them, I can understand and tolerate that behavior. That doesn’t take away my desperate desire for those moments to disappear and be carried away by the wind, so that everything can be in perfect condition.
The worst part was that when I arrived and wanted to go back up, she saw that I had arrived and didn’t move to the side to give me permission, and since I didn’t want to talk to her because of what she had said to me when I went down, I had to wait for Juliana (her sister) to tell her that I had arrived and to move to the side.
How ugly she is treating me like this, how ugly that without doing anything wrong to anyone or anything, being such a good person, always doing things so well, being so intelligent, so careful, so respectful to people, she ends up treating me like that in that way, really it’s something that not everyone can endure or appreciate. It’s really a pity all this situation.
To my surprise, at night my family made hamburgers and I set the table normally, helped serve and distribute, and on the table there was a bottle of water. Context, Laura and I had bought water at the parade and we had it all day until we arrived. And I swore that that bottle was mine, so I took it with a lot of confidence as if it really was mine, but as soon as I took it Laura comes and tells me: “that bottle is mine”, immediately I let go of the bottle and as if with a face of “sorry, I thought it was mine” I give it back to her, but instantly she says very kindly, “shall I get you one? There’s one in the fridge”.
I was amazed by her words, I thought I would never receive treatment like that from her again, I thought that moment would never come, but as always those moments come, no matter how upset she is with me, she always has moments where she treats me kindly. First because there’s no reason to be upset with me and second because she’s an extremely kind and generous person.
Are those the kind of things that make me say, “do you really have to be upset with me?”, if we have such a good time when she’s not upset, if she can treat me so well without being so upset, if we can be happy together, what’s the need to be upset and make life bitter in that way? For me, there’s no way or need.
Today was the
last day I saw her until life gives us a new reunion, which will probably be at Easter. Until then, I won’t talk to her or write to her again, I won’t disturb her life, because honestly I don’t want to bother her, I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to overwhelm her life with this situation.
I wish I could have a magic button where if I press it, all this problem and all this annoyance she has with me disappears, I hope I can build that technological device, for me it would be one of the greatest revolutions and I wouldn’t care about its price, because if it’s to be okay with Laura, it’s absolutely worth it.
Together I know we can do very nice things, together I know we’ll have a very nice relationship, together I know we can be better, because I perceive it in those small actions that we often have, but for some reason she keeps rejecting me and I don’t know when she’ll stop.
Because I really mean it, the problem is too small for the benefit to be so great, there are many things that can improve in my life and in her life just by talking to her.