2024-01-24 • day 2 • regretted
Throughout life, a person may commit countless mistakes—some more severe, others less impactful. However, certain errors leave lasting imprints, akin to lifelong tattoos. These are the mistakes that easily evoke feelings of regret, and mediating against such pain is no easy feat, especially when the repercussions affect innocent individuals. They don’t deserve for your mistakes to become the source of pains and traumas haunting them for the rest of their lives.
During that period, I was a person grappling with numerous childhood problems and unresolved traumas. It was challenging for me to distance myself from those who cared about me because my past was riddled with abandonment by people who had sworn to love me. At that time, the fear of Laura abandoning me triggered toxic, intense, and invasive behaviors towards her life—behaviors I didn’t perceive as such at the time. This was also a result of numerous physical insecurities I couldn’t control, occasionally exacerbating the original problem. It was a challenging period for me.
In such a state, the mind relentlessly seeks solutions to control the neurotransmitters activated by the myriad sensations coursing through one’s body. My initial attempt at a solution was to discuss the problem I was facing, but articulating my feelings and communicating them proved challenging. There was a lingering belief that discussing personal problems wasn’t acceptable. Despite managing to convey my struggles, her reception was far from supportive, worsening the situation. The fear of sharing my internal struggles heightened, my self-confidence waned, leading to conflicts between us that were impossible to manage. Adding to the complexity was my first semester at university, a realm I was enthusiastic about conquering, having dreamed of achieving for years.
I found myself unprepared for both a relationship with Laura and the challenges of the first semester at university. My mental health was plummeting, though not evident in my daily life. It was like a snowball growing larger each passing day until it eventually had to burst. I disclosed to Laura everything I had endured and the measures I had taken to endure that situation. I spoke of my struggles with obsessive monitoring of her online activity, the mental fatigue from university topics, and the difficulty in coping with the overwhelming sense of despair. I revealed that each passing day felt worse, with diminishing motivation, increasing dissatisfaction with myself, and a growing difficulty in living the life I was leading.
The day after my confession, I woke up to an unusual message from her, inquiring about how the night had been—a departure from her usual interactions. Eagerly hoping for an improvement in our situation, I responded warmly, leading to a brief exchange of words. Unexpectedly, she then expressed that the relationship should end, that it would be better if we parted ways at that moment. My heart shattered into 1113 pieces because I expected her to stand by me and help me overcome the situation, not leave me alone. I didn’t want to be alone (I didn’t understand what was best), I wanted and yearned for her to accompany me for the rest of my life. I couldn’t see a way to improve if she wasn’t with me. In essence, my world crumbled when my ears heard her words.
At the moment she ended it, I didn’t want to do anything to prevent it. I was in shock but didn’t want to hinder her from following what her heart undoubtedly demanded. I preferred her leaving me alone over forcing her to be in a place she didn’t want to be. Unfortunately, I wasn’t strong enough to restrain the desire to talk to her and mend things between us. So, a week later, I found myself pleading for us to try again. Being with her was something I deeply desired, but my approach was intensely unhealthy. I spent two months writing to her every week, hoping she would give our relationship another chance. During those two months, the only response I received was a consistent “no.” However, that didn’t deter me. My hope and patience remained intact, always believing that one day things might work out as I dreamed. But nothing ever happened, and I had to remove myself from her life, completely distancing myself because her patience had reached its limit. She could no longer tolerate my intrusive and intense presence.
That is the mistake I regret the most to this day. If I could, I would erase it, but I have to accept it and live with it every day. I couldn’t get it out of my mind today. I know that if I hadn’t committed that mistake, many things in my life today would be different. Instead of spending hours in front of a computer developing an application to endure the pain of accepting each day that I lost her and will never be able to recover her.
I never realized the extent of the harm I was causing. I never confronted the idea that seeking her out to give her the love she deserved was a symptom of my egocentrism. It was merely an excuse to satisfy my desires without considering what she wanted. I was solely focused on the vision I had of the future, thinking it was the best in the world.
Fortunately, today I can say that I love her without toxicity and intensity, and without needing her to be with me. I can tolerate spending days with the biggest mistake I unfortunately committed.