2024-02-10 • day 19 • sad
It was a long day, where both good and bad things happened, where I could see where things are headed, where what I feared so much is unfortunately becoming a reality, as you didn’t have the best behavior towards me, in the moments I tried to be with you.
Laura rejected me, she looked at me, she told me multiple times not to come near her, in other words, every time I approached her she tried to keep me as far away as possible, she made an effort to push me away, always seeking to distance herself or me, and in ways that feel very hurtful to me.
Unfortunately, I have to suffer and endure these attitudes, I have to endure these behaviors that I don’t want to happen, that I want to stay in the past, but no matter what I do, the irrational part of her brain will take the lead in this situation, and I hope I’m wrong, but the rest of the days seem to be just as bad or worse than today, because truly the treatment I receive from her is quite discriminatory.
What hurts me the most is seeing how she ends up with others in such a nice way, but every time I try, it’s as if I’m stabbing her in the heart and something prevents her from being okay with me.
I ask myself, what is it that makes her not want to talk to me and treat me the way she does? What is it that bothers her so much about me, because I can’t understand it, I can’t understand how a smile, a “careful”, a “Can I help you?” can cause so much harm to someone, I don’t understand how my attitude, which seeks to enjoy and be happy in the moment, can generate so much sadness and annoyance towards someone.
Her annoyance towards me is so great that she won’t let me touch her or even look at her, just by doing one of these actions, I receive a penetrating look, accompanied by an eye roll that seems as if the demon had invaded her. I truly don’t understand why she becomes so cold and attacking with me, and with other people, she can show her stable version.
Fortunately, not everything is bad, fortunately, the carnival has been very entertaining, the atmosphere created by the people is very pleasant, very friendly, and although I’m not much into it, I let myself be infected by the situation and enjoy the moment by dancing, applauding, and singing.
I really want to enjoy these carnivals, I really want to be okay with her and with myself, I really want life to be much calmer and above all beautiful (because of all the beauty that Laura brings to it).
Her hatred towards me is so impressive that we can be involved in the same conversation, but she, even if she responds to something I said or asked, will not look me in the eye or make any reference to me, even if she responds, she will act as if I were a ghost. It becomes so impressive that even if I shout the answer in her ear she will wait for someone else to respond (even if they don’t know the answer), she will treat me like a ghost, she will apply the silent treatment.
Maintaining that attitude towards me is impossible for the rest of the time because it’s very difficult to ignore me being so few people in the group and even more so if we are always together for some reason I don’t understand. We always end up somehow being next to each other, even if I don’t want to, life leads me to be close to her, which makes it much harder to comply with her silent treatment, although she has broken it on occasions, as at breakfast she couldn’t help but respond to something I said and had to make a reference to me.
One thing I’ve noticed a bit is that if I’m with someone else, her treatment lightens up and she becomes more permissive to talk to me, she doesn’t treat me as badly, especially if she has to give me some service/treatment, it’s very weird, very strange all this situation.
Anyway, all I want is for this to end, I want her annoyance to end, I want her to stop being like this with me, I want to stop feeling annoyed, feeling bad, I want the end of this situation, I beg you, I can’t stand going through more days like this, where a day that has all the potential to amaze becomes sad and depressing.
But as I said yesterday, she is the only one who has the power to change it, she is the only one who can make it happen, so if she doesn’t want to change this situation and wants to continue being so annoyed, it’s completely her decision, unfortunately that’s how it is.
I will continue trying to enjoy the carnivals as they deserve to be enjoyed, I will continue taking care of her, talking to her when I feel I can, meanwhile, I will keep my comments to myself. I will also continue showing my beauty, my talents and flaws, my personality and my beautiful behavior towards her.
Even with her mistreatment, I will continue with, even with her faces, I will continue with her and for her, I will continue being there for Laura, until everything has to end. But I’m not the type of person to let it go so easily, I’m the type of person to fight until the end, completely until the end.
Fighting motivates more when you see that the reward after overcoming that problem is too satisfying and gratifying. Believe me, the moment that situation culminates, all my problems and discomforts will vanish.
All it takes is that, for everything to be in perfect condition, all it takes is that situation, for my life to be a life I want to live, and not be like in these moments when I don’t feel so good in the place I am, because all the time with my parents there is a lot of annoyance and due to lack of motivation I can’t do the things I should do.
If you ask me, I wish that problem would end today, unfortunately I know it’s not going to end soon and I’ll have to fight a little more to make all this irrationality come to an end once and for all, I have to do a little more than what I normally do to make all this end.
And believe me, there is nothing I want more right now than for this situation to end, for us to be able to enjoy these carnivals as they deserve to be enjoyed.