2024-02-07 • day 16 • happy
I don’t like being someone who stands out from other people; I prefer to live in the shadows of those who are capable of exposing themselves publicly, to avoid experiencing the inevitable social problems. I’m quite reserved in that sense. However, I’m also a person who has very ‘revolutionary’ ideas or at least ideas, attitudes, feelings quite different from the common denominator of the environment in which I live. Unfortunately, every time I bring them to light, I feel labeled as a weirdo.
Relationships, cars, chess, programming, gastronomy, are topics and areas of my life that I really enjoy. Therefore, I tend to investigate and explore many concepts and ideas that are out of the ordinary. For example, many people find it strange that I still love Laura and in such an admirable and, above all, real way, that they often think what I feel is just a whim or a momentary obsession. They don’t believe that what I feel could be simply because I love her for who she is.
Such thoughts generate a lot of sadness in me because they make me doubt what I feel, as it is quite easy to confuse it because many behaviors I have also exist in intensity, toxicity, or obsession. For example, the fact that thoughts of her always come to me and I always have the latent desire to be with her again, makes people think I’m a quite obsessive person. But even though I have the desire, I don’t lose control trying to fulfill it.
Many times when I think of her, it doesn’t generate anxiety or depression thoughts, on the contrary, it increases my dopamine levels, makes the moment much more enjoyable and exciting. So contrary to what many people think, I do love her, without any kind of obsession or intensity, because although ideas and behaviors may be very similar, the intention and feeling are completely different.
At the beginning of all this situation, when she broke up with me, I can tell you that I had obsession problems because I felt a terrible fear of being unable to be without her. And because of that obsession I had at that moment, I constantly sought her out, that’s why I looked for a thousand ways to talk to her, that’s why things are as they are right now with her, but fortunately, all that is in the past now.
Some time ago, I stopped looking for her with that intensity, I stopped pressuring her to stay in my life, because I understood that it was not good for her, and it was better to transform my love into something more enjoyable to have. I dedicated myself to change my thinking, to analyze every situation in which I hadn’t behaved so well to see how I could change it, and what things I could improve. So day after day, with tears on my face and sheets over my body, I was able to slowly get out of that hole I was in.
It wasn’t easy at all during that time, it’s not easy to transform your life in that way, being a person who hurts others, who pursues and becomes obsessed with what they want, etc., into a person who only wants the other person to feel good and have the full freedom to do what they consider right for their life.
You can notice the change if you really want to see it because it’s something I don’t show easily, it’s something that doesn’t come to light and stays hidden in the shadows, in case anyone interested wants to notice such an event. For that reason, unfortunately, there are people who have erroneous ideas about what I feel and throw judgments as if they knew what’s going on. I don’t want to blame them entirely because I also keep myself reserved and become complicit in their thoughts.
I don’t know if I should change that and bring much more to light what I feel, show the world in a different way what I am and how I really think and behave, but I’m a little afraid of continuing to be labeled and sidelined by the society I’m in. It’s a bit difficult to feel it, to know it, but not to be able to express it. We’ll see how time progresses and what I’m feeling.
For now, I will continue learning and proving to myself what I am and all that I have, I will continue improving many erroneous thoughts and ideas that I may have. There’s always a step we don’t know how to take and we have to know how to move forward because life doesn’t stand still and is always waiting for you to move, and if you don’t know how, you can fall and drown.
I hope everything I want can be fulfilled and that at some point, it comes like a gust of wind and I get everything I want (just kidding), hopefully spend more days by her side, hopefully be more obsessed because if what I feel makes me so happy, I want more of that, I don’t want to stop loving her or stop feeling what I feel every time Laura’s name resonates in my head.
I love her, in case you were still doubting it, I love her like you have no idea you can love someone, and I’m not talking about quantities, I literally love her as very few can love; with authentic love. It seems strange and crazy that to love in this way all you need is to love, but in the society we live in, it’s like that, so many people are concerned about a thousand unimportant things, they are looking for and desiring other things that don’t fill you as much as loving someone.
Unfortunately, we have to learn to love, more than learning to love ourselves.