2024-02-06 • day 15 • in love
Sometimes I think that everything I feel could be a whim, but feelings don’t speak with thoughts; feelings are just felt. And every time these kinds of doubts arise, tears flow, I start feeling pressure in my chest, and the memory of some moments together inevitably surfaces.
If I love you, and with each passing day I become more convinced that this is not a joke, that what I feel is the most real and pure love I have ever felt in my life, and probably the love I feel for you is a love that very few people can reach, simply because loving someone you don’t see, who treats you poorly, who every chance they get reminds you how far they want to be from you, is too difficult. Yet here I am, still loving you and wanting quantifiable amounts, because I know and admire the wonderful person you are, because I know and accept the flaws you may have, and because the feeling that thinking of you produces fascinates me.
It is such a great pity to have this overwhelming situation with you; it is very horrible to be like this with you, especially on days like today when so many things happen that I know if you were here, I would be twice as happy just because you are in my life. I lack nothing more than the fact that you are in my life for me to be happier than I am right now.
However, there are moments when I feel that everything that is rising is better than what my heart desires, because I see how happy you are, how incredible you are, and I get insecure that I won’t be enough in your life, that I won’t meet your expectations and I’ll end up ruining everything as I did at some point. That is my biggest fear right now, that life will give me a second chance and I will waste it again. That’s why sometimes I don’t want to see you, that’s why many times I get nervous just being with you, let alone talking about how I feel.
I just understood that fear today, but it’s the reason why I can’t express myself correctly when I talk to you; I’m completely unknown to myself, and fear ends up affecting my thoughts and my way of speaking. It’s no excuse anyway, but I wish I didn’t have that so I could show you the beautiful person that I am, especially if it’s with you.
There are things like that fear that generate insecurities in me, but others like, for example, the love I have for you, that generate confidence in me, because what I feel shows how caring and attentive I can be with someone. I wish you could hear my thoughts and see my actions when it comes to love. For me, and I think for many, what I do for you is simply rewarding.
I think it’s very beautiful to have someone who gives you the freedom to do what you feel is best for your life, who doesn’t pressure you or judge you if you leave for 30 minutes or 5 hours, but who looks for you when they need you or you need them. I think it’s very beautiful for someone to give you a little care and attention so you don’t feel invisible in the eyes of the world. I think it’s very beautiful to have a person who will always be there for you when you need them, in whatever you need. I think it’s very beautiful to be with someone with those thoughts. I hope Laura realizes everything I have to offer her because I am not just those bad moments; I am only what she thinks of me. There are many more things that unfortunately I have not shown.
Many people judge me for having that desire, because in popular belief they say that if you have to demonstrate it, it’s not love, that if you have to ask for it, it’s no longer love, that if you have to force it a little, it’s no longer love, and I don’t agree with those ideas at all because that’s exactly what is needed in relationships for love to continue to exist. Every day you have to show in the best way possible what you feel for that person; every day you have to ask and communicate the desires that arise in you. The other person, no matter how well they know you, doesn’t know what you’re longing for at that moment. And finally, every day you have to give everything and fight a little harder to develop and have a better relationship.
I am so grateful to Laura for the time we spent together, that despite me being a jerk in those moments and causing her so much pain, I was able to be by her side and discover the changes I needed to make in my life to stop being the person I once was. Thanks to those moments, my thinking has changed radically today, my desires are completely different, my motivation for existing is different, and the love I feel for her has transformed.
No matter how many days there are when I doubt the love I have for her, things always happen, and thoughts come to me that suggest and prove the love I have and will have for a long time, because I doubt that something like what I feel will extinguish in a couple of years.
I hope the hatred she has for me doesn’t last as long as the love I have for her; I hope she can realize the person I really am much sooner. I hope, I hope, and I hope everything can return to the reality I dream of the most.