2024-02-05 • day 14 • sad
At any stage of my life, I have always had several activities that I enjoy throughout the day. However, lately, these activities don’t provide the satisfaction I need to avoid feeling a void in my life.
When I was younger, at the age of 7, I discovered the world of programming. At the same time, I dreamed of becoming a professional football player. After several years, I realized that football didn’t fulfill me as much as programming did. So, I decided to focus strongly on it. Simultaneously, I was discovering a new love for chess, which grew over time and has now become one of the activities I engage in the most. Along the way, I also discovered a love for books and, especially, for people.
When I met Laura, I already had well-defined preferences and knew what I liked and what I preferred to avoid in life. This created a kind of safe space where I could go and feel more comfortable in the face of any unpleasant events that might occur with her. However, when she decided to leave my life, those safe places gradually lost their charm and no longer provided the same satisfaction as when Laura was in my life.
As of today, I can spend 14 hours programming, 6 hours playing chess, 4 hours reading, 2 hours exercising, 1.5 hours cooking, or any other activity that comes my way. However, none of them can fill the void that not being with her creates. It’s a powerful thought.
Especially today, I realized that engaging in these activities distracts and diverts my attention from the situation, making me forget it temporarily. Nevertheless, when I finish the activity, I return to reality and remember everything that has happened, understanding the impossibility of change. So, I find no reason to do things; they seem unimportant, unnecessary, without the desire to engage in them. In my mind, there’s a constant question of why I do them if nothing is going to change anyway.
This mindset has led me to neglect the cleanliness of the place I’m in, as I see it as unnecessary and futile. I’ve also somewhat neglected my personal hygiene, not doing it as frequently or consistently because I don’t see its importance. However, there are moments when I manage to do it, more out of obligation than a desire for the activity.
There are many more activities that often seem senseless to me. For example, today, I couldn’t find meaning even in programming or, worse, in writing this. I didn’t even want to entertain the idea of doing it. But my mind and body won’t let me stay in that state, and somehow, I overcome it, forcing myself to do things, partly because I have to do them to survive.
Throughout my day, despite these feelings, I continue to do things, pushing myself and trying to motivate myself by thinking that doing them increases the chances of changing the situation. After completing the activity, everything returns to normal, as if I had never done what I did. It’s very sad to do things and not find the tranquility you expected, feeling the void of not being able to satisfy your desires with something other than her.
It’s very sad to escape from your reality with things you love. It’s very sad to feel so repressed and unable to do the things you desire. If only Laura were the only one I had, it might be a bit easier to cope with everything, but there are more complications that make it even harder to live.
That’s why this void is a significant feeling in my life, and it will be very difficult to overcome it. The only possibility is for her to be here, and I know that something like that will never happen (at least not now) due to the mistakes and inconveniences I caused in my past. I am now paying the price for all of that.
Although not all of my day was sad, because despite these situations, I always try to move forward. Despite the pain, I force myself to do things. I accept and am aware of what I have, and with that, I can move forward and make the journey a bit easier. It’s inevitable not to think about it.
It’s very hard to go a day without thinking about Laura, without missing her, giving her a hug, having a conversation. It’s very difficult to know that she harbors immense anger to the point of having to block me on social media for her peace of mind. It’s too difficult to continue with this situation and this void.
It’s inevitable not to feel this emptiness when not being with her. The saddest part is that the only way to make it go away is to forget her (which I don’t want to do) or to be with her. Both of these things are almost impossible due to the immense reasons life has thrown at me, a list of having to live through all of this.
Lately, I haven’t cried as much as I did today, and it happened in a way I didn’t expect. The situation, the emotions, made it impossible to hold back my tears. I had to scream to release my emotions, hide beneath the sheets so no one could see me. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
Something good comes out of this situation: it helps me confront problems, analyze them, and develop more advanced concepts. This experience provides me with knowledge to avoid such situations in the future, although I hope there is no future without her presence.
I love her too much, and her complete departure from my life would increase the void to the point where even 24 hours of programming couldn’t solve it as I would like.