2024-02-03 • day 12 • dreamer
Not every day do we dream, or even if we do, the dream often fades from our memory over time when we wake up. However, when dreams become ingrained in our memory, and the dream feels so real, our waking moments become more excited and joyous. Dreams satisfy our unconscious desires and faithfully represent them.
Clearly, dreams are not solely affected by a person’s wishes and longings; they also depend on the individual’s personality, thoughts, and ideas. That’s why each dream is individual and unique. There is no other dream like the one you had.
Sometimes a dream becomes so faithful and representative of your desires that, no matter how much you try to forget it, you seek ways to relive it. You want to be there, experience the sensations you felt at that moment, and make that dream your new reality. You want to fulfill your desire beyond the realm of dreams.
That’s exactly what happened to me today and on several previous days. I have been dreaming about Laura many times, and some dreams are ones I never want to end. These dreams are what I wish never to wake up from, to live forever in that “reality” because what I dreamed is precisely what I have yearned for for so many months (almost years). I have been waiting for something from the dream to come true for a long time.
Today’s dream was about finding a different solution to the problem that has caused Laura and me to be distant. It was a day when I was in the library, alone, calm, without thoughts suggesting that in a few minutes, I would receive a notification on my phone from the person my heart had been eagerly waiting for.
The notification arrived via WhatsApp, meaning she had unblocked me. But the most exciting part was that she had thought of me and seen me in a different light than recently. She had considered me, and her view of me as a toxic and intense person had vanished. Suddenly, this act didn’t imply she wanted to re-enter the cast of the story called my life, but she was at least interested in knocking on the door to see if she wanted to come in or just observe from outside. Either way, that moment was very special to me.
The notification lit up my phone and, at the same time, my heart started beating at the frequency of a car engine’s pistons. It was accelerated, frenetic, eager to open the message and discover that behind it was the following phrase: “How have you been?” A simple yet interesting phrase because it offered the possibility of breaking into a thousand pieces, releasing 1113 words per minute, or being a bit more austere, responding with a simple “good, and you,” which is what happened.
Minutes passed, and there was no trace of the problem that had burdened us for months in the conversation. Instead, the conversation was calm, joyful, just as I had always dreamed it. We talked about what had happened between us during the time we hadn’t been in contact, showing our flaws, shortcomings, improvements, setbacks, revealing ourselves as individuals. We were getting to know each other for the second time in our lives.
At this point in the dream, there was a clear example of how my dream was faithful to my desires. Lately, I’ve wanted the problem with Laura to be resolved. We shouldn’t try to fix it anymore because it only brings discomfort and troubles, which is not good for either of us. It’s better to simply leave it behind and treat each other as if it never happened. Besides, we see each other more often than it seems, and if there’s discomfort every time we meet, it would be the same as if we had the problem. So, it’s better to leave everything behind and start talking again, just as it was in the dream.
By nightfall and after some small conversations throughout the day, she decides to open her heart and tell me how difficult it had been for her to be with me, break up with me, and move on afterward. She shared how bad she felt every time I reached out because she didn’t want to harm me. She wanted me to be okay, but she no longer felt there were possibilities to fix things with me. That’s why she preferred to leave, to be somewhere she didn’t think she could be okay because there were moments when she enjoyed it, but other times, she felt really bad, and I was entirely to blame for those actions.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t respond to everything she had said because the sadness of the situation had made me wake up with a lot of emotion, wanting to write her everything I couldn’t say in the dream, thinking that the dream was my reality. Unfortunately, it wasn’t, and I had to accept that she had never spoken to me, and she probably never will. That dream was probably the closest thing to a real interaction with her, and something similar may never happen.
It saddens me too much to see how things have been transformed, how time has passed, and stories from that time still exist that I had no idea existed. Sadly, I was the one responsible for those things, and it’s very likely that this is why she always wants to distance herself from me whenever we get too close. Perhaps she is simply protecting herself from some harm her mind imagines I could cause because she has never seen a change in me, and she only has what she lived with me as a reference.
I have never been able to show her how beautiful I am because of the annoyance, the injustice she felt, but I think it’s better if, instead of that, I take the time to think and, above all, listen to her a bit, without arguments or fights. Perhaps this way, she may want to open the door and be part of the cast of the beautiful story that the two of us could create together (hopefully).