2024-02-02 • day 11 • apatico
Every day that passes, the loneliness in my life becomes more noticeable. Each day becomes increasingly difficult to combat the desires that I will never be able to fulfill precisely because of the solitude in which I find myself. Unfortunately, I have to endure this; that’s the reality in the world I am living in.
Today, I’ve had moments with flashes of happiness, where the illusion evokes such a phenomenal emotion that it kept a smile on my face. I would spin around the room, shout, jump, but instantly I would restrain myself because I knew it was just a moment, and that the emotion I felt was a product of my imagination—a simple illusion my thoughts were creating. So, as happy as I felt in that moment, I knew it wouldn’t last long.
Indeed, that’s how things unfolded, as today was one of those days where nothing goes right. It feels much more challenging to be away from Laura. Today was one of those days where all you want is a hug, a hug that takes away all the desire and disappointment of not being able to achieve anything. I tried to solve various problems while programming, but I couldn’t succeed in any of them. I tried driving, I tried playing chess, I tried to ponder on how beautiful it would be to be with her, and nothing worked to pull me out of that state.
There are things we can’t handle alone, situations where we need companionship and dependence on someone to feel much better. In my opinion, that’s perfectly fine because it means you know how to live with the dependency on others, allow yourself to be influenced by the actions of others, and enjoy those days when it seems like nothing is going well.
This state, my dear friends, is challenging to achieve because many people become fixated on the idea that dependence is harmful and that not being okay with relying on someone else is better than having moments of dependency. We live in a community, and it’s practically impossible not to depend on someone and have to do things that someone else wants.
For example, the simplest form of dependence that comes to mind right now is when someone asks you for a favor. You are already depending on that person; they are already giving you orders to do what they want. There are other dependencies that are just as healthy but stir up the whole system more. It’s a dependency like the one I feel right now, where all I want is for someone to take away this annoyance and sadness that I’ve carried on my shoulders throughout the day.
I am no longer able to continue with these indexes, but I can’t despair either because that leads to doing crazy things. I prefer to wait and endure all these days because just as there are days like this, there are also days when everything is happiness and joy. It’s all about the perspective you choose to see them with.
Nevertheless, it remains very difficult to get through just this day because, despite those unfulfilled desires, there’s a very peculiar situation. There’s the possibility of seeing Laura again since, according to unofficial information, she is in Barranquilla at the moment. You can’t imagine the pain of being so close but not being able to change the situation. It feels terrible that she has blocked you with the idea that you are a toxic and intense person.
It’s a truly awful feeling, causing me considerable discomfort, regret for the mistakes I made in the past, and anxiety for not being able to change something in her and just having to accept the situation as it is. I can’t call her, I can’t write to her, and if I were to see her, it’s likely it wouldn’t serve any purpose and might even worsen the situation. Basically, I’m backed into a corner, unable to do anything, just enduring the onslaught that life throws at me.
Believe me when I say I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone, even though you learn a lot, and from this, you might develop a personality that’s more austere and cold than what is seen in the average person. It’s not easy to be sitting here writing to someone you know doesn’t love you in the slightest. It’s not easy to love someone who, if they see you on the street, would probably roll their eyes in anger and discomfort due to mistakes they feel you made.
The whole situation is absolute rubbish. I wish I could skip it and move on to more everyday situations where we could have much more enjoyable and pleasant conversations than the ones I’ve had with her when I try to talk to her. Those conversations are undoubtedly very complicated, where inexperience leads to surges of ecstasy that are released in feelings of anger, resentment, and guilt.
On her part, when we have those kinds of conversations, she doesn’t want to hear anything from me, and the annoyance she feels just by hearing about that situation is evident. For her, that’s the worst, but for me, it’s something extremely necessary, and between that anger and my need, a quite challenging discomfort is formed, where neither of us can agree on a compromise where both feel comfortable.
I would like to continue the course of life without this situation and be able to enjoy all the wonders of being by her side. I wish I could have the privilege of admiring the full magnitude of what Laura is. I wish to have her by my side on days when the need for her company increases.
But, dear friends, it’s very difficult to reverse this situation. I hope that in the coming days, I feel much more comfortable and can enjoy this solitude that accompanies me day by day a bit better. I hope everything gets better, and someday, out of all the days to come, I can see her. At least then, I can marvel at her beauty and elegance, which, as is well known, never fails to impress anyone in her path.
If you have the opportunity, observe her and delight in her exquisite walk.