2024-01-23 • day 1 • normal
Sleep has the potential to be a traumatic event, especially for those who are with you every day, but the likelihood of something happening is very small, even though many people at some point in their lives wish and dream of ending their lives that way.
In my case, I find myself in a state of alienation, letting my day unfold with the immense amount of events that arise in our lives. I don’t give much importance to things that happen; for example, if I were to die due to a submarine implosion, it would be fine, or if it were due to the misfortune of life not being able to wake up after going to sleep, it would still be fine because these are things beyond my control.
Unfortunately, in life, there are many things we cannot control, many things we wish would happen one way, but for unknown reasons, they end up happening differently. If you don’t know how to face that “small” frustration that this situation produces, you can end up in places where a human being in the 21st century does not deserve to live. That’s why my solution to confront that feeling is to analyze if there could be a solution in my hands. If there isn’t, I simply accept that the change is not within me and let it pass like a petal falling from a withered flower, carried away by the atmosphere.
In my day, there are many events that evoke that feeling. Today, for example, I couldn’t stop thinking about Laura; the desire to talk to her was simply unavoidable, but I can no longer do anything to fix it. She decided to leave because talking to me was causing her harm, even though the only words coming from my mouth were of absolute love for her. It’s very sad that things end this way, with a distorted thought of who I really am, with an idea of me that is outside of reality. But, much to my regret, it’s no longer in my hands to change her perception, as I prefer her to be in a place full of things she desires rather than being with me, forcing herself to talk. Even if that means she won’t have such a good time in my day.
I woke up at 4:00 with only 4 hours of rest, had a breakfast of meat with banana, and then around 6:00, after a 30-minute walk with Doky, I sat in front of a screen for 4 hours developing an application to write all those stories that remind me of everything about her. Later, I cooked some pre-cooked spaghetti with pork cut into small squares for lunch to give me a bit more energy to spend another 5 hours in front of the screen, trying to finish the development of that application.
I’m constantly thinking about her; almost everything that happens in my life has a background that refers to her. When I cook, it’s inevitable not to think of her because cooking is one of the things she loves to do the most. So much so that she has been studying it for 6 months a few kilometers from her hometown. The TikTok algorithm doesn’t tire of showing me videos that reference her, urging me to try writing to her again. But instantly, I remember that it would be unacceptable for her, and I don’t want things to get worse than they already are with her.
My day becomes much more tragic because the situation with her is not the only issue I have in my life. I often don’t like the attitudes my family takes in any situation that presents itself, whether good or bad. Their attitude often bothers or even irritates me, but as I mentioned before, I can’t do anything to change it. I just have to accept it and live with that daily torment.
Fortunately, today, I didn’t have to deal with that. My mom had to run errands all day, and my brother just started school, so I had the house to myself for most of the day, which feels very pleasant. The freedom that solitude grants you, at least for me, I love it. I hope the next days are equally kind.
Solitude is something I enjoy too much. The silence it produces, the independence it generates, and the privilege it gives you to steer your life as you please, without so many unforeseen events. Solitude allows you to plan your day the way you want, without asking for permission or adjusting schedules with someone else to coincide. No, solitude has that charm of giving you the opportunity to make your own decisions without so many side effects that affect people you don’t want to affect.
However, it has its downside. Solitude, as happened to me today, causes a lot of discomfort when you want to do things that require another person to achieve them. Solitude doesn’t go hand in hand with dependence on another person, and in the world we live in, it’s very normal to depend on someone else many times to perform any action in our day. For example, today I wanted to drive, but I needed my parents for that, and they weren’t at home. I also wanted to talk to Laura; however, she left, and I don’t think she wants to come back. I also wanted to leave the house, but again, I needed my parents, and they weren’t there.
That shows that being alone and having to depend on someone is not pleasant. Unfortunately, in my life, that frustration is very present. Days like today are too many. I’m always wishing for things that, while not very difficult to fulfill, I need someone to do them, making them impossible and completely out of my control. I have to lock myself in my room in front of a screen for 8 hours to suppress any desire that my mind produces because I can’t do anything else to solve it. It’s not in my hands to change Laura’s perception of me or change my parents’ attitude or change the culture of the people around me. It’s not in my hands, and I have to take a deep breath and move forward with the things that I largely do have control over, trying to satisfy those vague desires I have in a small way.